Part 3 of Christians and dating. deals with understanding the man's side of the story within a relationship. I am no expert and I do not speak for all men but again I've heard some incredible things in these past few months and again I am compelled to share them with you all.
I remember my freshman year of college and my percussion professor was teaching us how to tune tympani. I was so fasicinated with the process you had to go through just to tune one drum, because here you have these big drums that look sooo heavy duty but yet you had to be so gentle with them in order not to damage the head on the drum, and the drum itself. They were big and heavy but yet you had to be gentle with it all the more just to take care of it.
Men...we are designed to be tough, rough, hard, strong I mean that is our design by creation but what God did with us is he made us gentle giants. I dont care how strong you are a man turns into a different person when he is with his lady, she makes him become more gentle. That person we are with them, is who we really are, we just want to be LOVED and appreciated. We dont say it but we dont push it away when its given to us. However, as men in Christ our focus has to be on God. Christ himself was a man who possesed power in his voice but was as gentle and loving with all creation. He came not to condemn the sick but to find the cure, not to bash but to build up. His character was never compromised, what he did as a man was allowed himself (in total confidence in his Lord) to be who he was and that became such a desireable trait that people flocked to him. As men we must know that our Character must be sharpened in Christ first. We must be defined by his standards and cling to his way of life not our own.
In our desire to be loved and appreciated we get lost in who the problem is, nine times out of 10 we are dealing with our own insecurities but the first person (sometimes) we choose to take that on is our women. Believe it or not promiscuity is the same for men and as it is for women. The more girls you get means nothing to you as a man, you are just sharing more of you with more of them. But what happens that day when you meet the girl of your dreams, and you have to explain to her all the things you used to do, its the worst feeling in the world to wish you had stopped then so you could save it for the one you actually Love and care for. 1 Peter 3:7 "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with (J)someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered". I cannot be a husband to a wife, much less the head of the house if I am not confident enough with myself as a man. The woman is not the problem, it is us. We use the bedroom as a way out, to not half to deal with fears, worries, or better yet LIFE. Strength is not defined merely by how much I can pick up, but how strong I am when there is force working against me. A good friend of mine P.T. Ngwolo said it best "women trade sex for love, and men trade love for sex." I'll say I love you if it means I get some. We have to learn LOVE for what it truly is from God. God is love and when we learn that we can learn what it means to LOVE a woman. But women, its important to know a man's heart as well. A man's biggest goal is to take care of his woman, provide, nurture and when that is in deficit his pride is hurt. It does not mean women that you should yield all of your needs to him (especially if y'all are just dating) IT means understanding that and allowing him to be that man. At the same time we must know that being "the man" is not that crucial remember "pride comes before the fall". As men we are trying to understand you, and as women you are trying to understand us. Somewhere in there is common ground and agreement that calls for peace. Men, if she doesn't value you then you gotta move on. If she just tolerates you and that's it than that means she only puts up with you and that's it. (she wouldn't want you to do that to her) LOVE says this...as P.T. so eloquently put it "Love is trading the best in you for the worst in them"the goal my sisters is to not obey these books i.e. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" or ideas that paint men as being sooo off from women. Like I said to the women yesterday we are helpers to one another. God never intended for us to be at odds with each other like we are today...we will have our differences but we are still supposed to be able to reach common ground and conquer each other with LOVE. Understand women he may be a talker, or stubborn, or unwilling to change but if you be honest so are you. We play this game like we are so vastly different when in reality we are alike in so many ways..its taking the time to understand. God gave us a major responsibility to be the head, and as men we must take that seriously. I don't care how good she look my friend, and how great the opportunity as a man it will not benefit you at all to lay with her IF SHE AINT YOUR WIFE!!!. If you LOVE him my dear, don't tempt him(plain and simple). If he as a man does not have have sense enough to act as a man of God you being the woman of God encourage him to do so. If you know he is going to give in than don't set the trap...if he tells you he wants to turn back to Christ respect that and if you want turn with him. He is not going to admit that it is his weakness but if you pay close enough attention to realize that it is. As a man be honest enough with yourself to admit it , bold enough to speak about it, and wise enough to act on it. At the core ladies, us men have a desire to be understood. Understanding is more than half the battle because now you can see where it all comes from when we get irater or start acting funny(does not make it an excuse, but you have gained understanding as to why). Now your not JUST tolerating him your accepting him for who he is. My brothers, in our quest to be understood we have to communicate that. Because Adam failed to speak up he died to sin and was seperated form God until Christ came back made it right. Sometimes as men speaking up will save a soul, it will SAVE OUR OWN SOULS. Don't wait on her to make the change, when you know you need to do better. IF you want her to trust you enough to follow your lead in marriage, than be that man when she is your girlfriend and your fiance. Be level minded, un-doubtful, and standing by your choices. James 1:7-8 says this:
"For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord,
8being a (S)double-minded man, (T)unstable in all his ways."
That strong woman is looking for a strong-minded man who stood on his own before her. He leans on God first, and is bold enough to even tell her no when she is wrong. I know you don't want to lose her my friend but as she has to be willing to lose you if it be for Christ so should you. Anything that will cause you to stray from God is no good to you or for you. Being a man means being patient 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient..." Remember the gentle giant concept...As rough as you are God still gave you a gentle heart because day by day God is still gentle with us. Every man on earth who desires to LOVE a woman must LOVE God with all his heart, and must love himself. A woman can fix neither of those things no matter how hard she may try...her job is to be your helpmate. God does the rest...we must look at women differently and stop projecting how we look at ourselves onto them. This seems too much, but honesty can get that way sometimes but it is neccessary. You are a man of God first and foremost. Your definition is in Christ, your way of life is adapted to his way of life. We as men are forever seeking his way, the bible says in Proverbs 18:22 "He who finds a (A)wife finds a good thing
And (B)obtains favor from the LORD." When you find Christ, he leads you to the wife, and the favor comes from the Lord. I admonish myself and all of you men if you are dating someone, to change your view of her if it is not good, to learn (if you choose to) from the biblical standpoint how to LOVE her. If you are convinced(through prayer and obedience to God) that this is the one that God has given as a candidate for a wife, than you need to understand what it means to be a man of God first. It is important to know that if she has found a husband in you, that its important even more now to look to God for all things (if you haven't been already). You must know that with or without her God completes you and never put her or anything in front of him. Tomorrow is too late to begin, but right now is just as good as any other. God Bless you my brothers..and remember God didn't forget about you either...Thanks for reading and stay tuned for part 4...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Christian Dating Part 2: The Value of our Women.
The blogging on Christian Dating continues with part 2 dealing with the understanding of our women. I hope more brothers read this than sisters because I believe that when we can understand how to truly LOVE our women we can truly learn how to effectively relate and experience healthy relationships with them. Again I am not the expert, these are things my pastor and my brother and friends have said and I have been impacted vastly by them that I feel compelled to write this. Thank you for reading.
"An excellent who can find? For her worth is far above jewels"-Proverbs 31:10. Being 25 I have come into the knowledge of this fact. Loving a woman is knowing her heart first. Women you should know that that fact is the only thing that matters. A man can shower you with gifts, even tell you how much you mean to him everyday but his actions must show that fact. So many of you beautiful creatures have the greatest worth not because of your body but just because of your creation. "Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; (S)I will make him a helper [a]suitable for him."-Genesis 2:18. Look your not beneath a man, your his equal, his helper, a companion. God saw the lonliness that Adam had an created a friend (first!!!) that could help him and be of good company. That fact is the foundation of any relationship you have that will last. He must first see you as his equal (no matter your past, or previous mistakes). Far too often, some of you will tolerate a man who doesent talk to you, he does not value you, and most of all does not accept your love and help. You have to be looking at that when you are with him. You all by yourself was valuable before he stepped into the picture, do not allow him to take you down to his level if he desires to stay in the pit. Being alone is better then be cooped up with someone who is going no where and admitts to it. Sorry if this throws salt on the brothers with the player cars but the reality is men, that our women are Gods children too. My oldest brother once told me "you know most people dont seem to notice that its our women who truly have a past" The world looks past a man who has been wild and crazy, but a women who has been wild and crazy catches hell. I submitt to you woemn, no matter what you used to do, never allow a man to keep you bound in that. As a man if you truly value her as Proverbs 31:10 says, it kills you to let her go back to that place, my pastor told me easter sunday this year to my face(looking me straight in the eye) "you have to protect a women's heart when you are dating her, even if that means protecting her from herself" What does that mean? It means if her past has taught her habits that she see's as normal but you know God doesent you Love her so much that won't let her do them or around you. I don't care how much you LOVE if he won't value you then he will not LOVE you the way a man is supposed to. If I don'tvalue you while you are my girlfriend than I ceartainly will not value you as my wife. Sex is the tool used to de-value the most. Outside of marriage, you see it all the time, men get what they want from you, and the walk away. (now this is not all cases) but the reality is and I have seen it for myself, when sex is taken out of the picture there is time to grow closer to Christ, and discover the true beauty of the women. That is the goal here when we are talking about Christian dating. Seeing your heart as the prize and "other things". I'm not saying you wont slip(im not encouraging it either) because lets face it you were made to be attracted to each other, but the relationship grows more when you can say to yourself as beautiful woman, I know I am more than just that. Men understand this fact, the more we use our women for just the bedroom the worst things get. Looking at today, we see our women heart, bruised, by it so much that they have become numb, and just dont care anymore. "I've been hurt enough times, if I get hurt again it's just another guy who hurt me" Understand that this woman is someone's daughter, and God willing she will be someone's mother. My pastor also said to me on that same day "God-forbid that the relationship does not work, our job as men is to return them to their parents better than they came". he is to be after your heart my dear ladies. Your beauty is radiant and captivating, but your heart mesmorizing. If he is in LOVE with God, he will see you through God's eyes. This may even upset some women because you maybe comfortable with it just the way it is, I promise you when you see the change in how he talks to you, looks at you, deals with you, approaches you it will make all the difference. Loving with a pure heart, simply means no matter who you were before you were with him, it does not matter! 1 Peter 3:3-4 says this "Your adornment must not be merely external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses;
4but let it be (E)the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God." If what is precious to God is on the inside men, than shouldnt it be the same for you if you LOVE God. As a young man I did not care at all my heart wanted to lust so I lusted, but today as a 25 yr old, in Love, trying to maintain God's love for a beautiful woman, I cannot bear the thought of mishandling or abusing the heart of a good woman. Women this is the key right here, if he is after your heart he will never want you to be anything less than great. The man who not only tells you he values you but shows you is the man to consider for life. Age has nothing to do with it, My brother was 23 (i believe) when he was married, and to this day I have never seen someone cherish his wife like he does. Even before they were married she was queen to him, and showed her that continually. This what it is and has to be while DATING, because then it will be nothing new when your married. IF your planning to marry this man, than it needs to be a key component now. Even if you like the way it is now, it can be better and needs to be. I promise you understanding this my brothers opens up a new way of thought for LOVING our women....Consider this...God created us all, if we are created in his image (perfect image) then why being created by a perfect creator deal with someone who would take you to anything less than God's standard...its something to grow to...
Stay tuned for part 3! (pardon the spelling and grammar today, i was in a hurry to finish this.)
"An excellent who can find? For her worth is far above jewels"-Proverbs 31:10. Being 25 I have come into the knowledge of this fact. Loving a woman is knowing her heart first. Women you should know that that fact is the only thing that matters. A man can shower you with gifts, even tell you how much you mean to him everyday but his actions must show that fact. So many of you beautiful creatures have the greatest worth not because of your body but just because of your creation. "Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; (S)I will make him a helper [a]suitable for him."-Genesis 2:18. Look your not beneath a man, your his equal, his helper, a companion. God saw the lonliness that Adam had an created a friend (first!!!) that could help him and be of good company. That fact is the foundation of any relationship you have that will last. He must first see you as his equal (no matter your past, or previous mistakes). Far too often, some of you will tolerate a man who doesent talk to you, he does not value you, and most of all does not accept your love and help. You have to be looking at that when you are with him. You all by yourself was valuable before he stepped into the picture, do not allow him to take you down to his level if he desires to stay in the pit. Being alone is better then be cooped up with someone who is going no where and admitts to it. Sorry if this throws salt on the brothers with the player cars but the reality is men, that our women are Gods children too. My oldest brother once told me "you know most people dont seem to notice that its our women who truly have a past" The world looks past a man who has been wild and crazy, but a women who has been wild and crazy catches hell. I submitt to you woemn, no matter what you used to do, never allow a man to keep you bound in that. As a man if you truly value her as Proverbs 31:10 says, it kills you to let her go back to that place, my pastor told me easter sunday this year to my face(looking me straight in the eye) "you have to protect a women's heart when you are dating her, even if that means protecting her from herself" What does that mean? It means if her past has taught her habits that she see's as normal but you know God doesent you Love her so much that won't let her do them or around you. I don't care how much you LOVE if he won't value you then he will not LOVE you the way a man is supposed to. If I don'tvalue you while you are my girlfriend than I ceartainly will not value you as my wife. Sex is the tool used to de-value the most. Outside of marriage, you see it all the time, men get what they want from you, and the walk away. (now this is not all cases) but the reality is and I have seen it for myself, when sex is taken out of the picture there is time to grow closer to Christ, and discover the true beauty of the women. That is the goal here when we are talking about Christian dating. Seeing your heart as the prize and "other things". I'm not saying you wont slip(im not encouraging it either) because lets face it you were made to be attracted to each other, but the relationship grows more when you can say to yourself as beautiful woman, I know I am more than just that. Men understand this fact, the more we use our women for just the bedroom the worst things get. Looking at today, we see our women heart, bruised, by it so much that they have become numb, and just dont care anymore. "I've been hurt enough times, if I get hurt again it's just another guy who hurt me" Understand that this woman is someone's daughter, and God willing she will be someone's mother. My pastor also said to me on that same day "God-forbid that the relationship does not work, our job as men is to return them to their parents better than they came". he is to be after your heart my dear ladies. Your beauty is radiant and captivating, but your heart mesmorizing. If he is in LOVE with God, he will see you through God's eyes. This may even upset some women because you maybe comfortable with it just the way it is, I promise you when you see the change in how he talks to you, looks at you, deals with you, approaches you it will make all the difference. Loving with a pure heart, simply means no matter who you were before you were with him, it does not matter! 1 Peter 3:3-4 says this "Your adornment must not be merely external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses;
4but let it be (E)the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God." If what is precious to God is on the inside men, than shouldnt it be the same for you if you LOVE God. As a young man I did not care at all my heart wanted to lust so I lusted, but today as a 25 yr old, in Love, trying to maintain God's love for a beautiful woman, I cannot bear the thought of mishandling or abusing the heart of a good woman. Women this is the key right here, if he is after your heart he will never want you to be anything less than great. The man who not only tells you he values you but shows you is the man to consider for life. Age has nothing to do with it, My brother was 23 (i believe) when he was married, and to this day I have never seen someone cherish his wife like he does. Even before they were married she was queen to him, and showed her that continually. This what it is and has to be while DATING, because then it will be nothing new when your married. IF your planning to marry this man, than it needs to be a key component now. Even if you like the way it is now, it can be better and needs to be. I promise you understanding this my brothers opens up a new way of thought for LOVING our women....Consider this...God created us all, if we are created in his image (perfect image) then why being created by a perfect creator deal with someone who would take you to anything less than God's standard...its something to grow to...
Stay tuned for part 3! (pardon the spelling and grammar today, i was in a hurry to finish this.)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Eliminating the fiction, Understanding the fact and Knowing The difference
This is a 4 part series dealing dispelling myths and understanding facts about life from a Christian perspective. Part 1 deals with the whole point of dating and understanding it from a Christian perspective.
Part 1: Christians and Dating.
As a 25 year old I know my knowledge is not vast on this subject of Christians and dating, but my pastor, and my brother (both two preachers I see as being increasingly wise) and the bible itself have given me so much insight. I will say that I am not the bearer of knowledge on this subject I am merely trying to provide a different viewpoint. This is not to be controversial or offensive its merely meant to provide a different look at the subject. If you see something that I have written as being wrong or you want to question it please feel free to leave a comment but remember this is not a war or a fight so if thats your motive its best you keep it to yourself because there is no need for that. I understand that everyone does not agree on the same thing but agreeing to disagree is equally as acceptable. Thanks.
Jesse Flowers wrote in an article entitled "whom should we date?" this quote " Dating is what leads a young person to the divine institution of marriage. This quote for me is the focus of this whole blog. I know this is a tough thing to wrap our heads around but honestly the point of dating (crazy as it may seem) is to end up finding a spouse. Now, in 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 Paul writes " 1Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is (A)good for a man not to touch a woman.
2But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband." The idea is if you know want to be with someone the idea is to get married in order for you not to fall into immortality, it is better to be married than to live in sin. What Ive noticed in alot of Christian peers is that some of them just don't date like that because they want to avoid the trouble and the potential slips. I had a friend during my freshman year of college who didn't date a single girl until our senior year and the one he dated is now his wife. He was poked fun of for it, but his faith in Christ led him to her, he was with her barely a year before proposing and married about 6 months later. When your motive in dating is right you generally flock towards the right people and don't have to deal with the unnecessary drama. How do you mean? Well lets talk about motives? David said it like this "create in me a clean heart, and renew within me a right spirit." (Psalms 51:10). If inside your heart you have bad intentions then your motive is already not right...Jesus made that clear in Matthew 15:19 where he said "For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies". So if in your heart deep down you know your dating just to have "fun" the question is what kind of fun? Speaking from a young persons perspective, in the present day, dating is a tool that can be used negatively or positively. In a negative way, its most common that the majority(but not all) have stories about someone they dated that was everything that they knew even then that they did not need or probrably even want but they did for what reason? To see what it was like and more importantly to REBEL. Sometimes we just want a story to tell, and to look like we got some life experience. The sad part is usually your the one who gets hurt or left behind because you've allowed yourself to go deeper and deeper in with this person that you don't even know who you are anymore. That can be eliminated easily, by learning to just as my mom would say "get somewhere and sit down". Being young doesent mean I get to ruin my life, I promise when you do that, and you meet the one you do love and cherish you will wish you saved all that time and for them. Its so dangerous spiritually and physically. Now on a lighter note, it can be used positively to navigate (with Christ) to a good candidate for marriage. If your not planning on getting married then what is the point in dating? (know that there is a difference between making friends and dating.) The reality is that dating is not a bad thing, if I follow God's plan and I know this person is lining up with Godly characteristics and loves Jesus I'm safe. The idea is that when I used dating the right way I am eliminating month's maybe even years of strife in my life. IF you know the person is not a candidate than don't even waist your time trying to make it happen. My pastor told me once "it is somethings I can put up with, and something I cant". The idea is saved or unsaved if there is no desire to compromise on both sides for the better than this is not a candidate.
Dating is not a settling tool. Do not settle on someone simply for convenience. From personal experience I have learned that just because a person is there does not mean they will work. Remember we said dating is to marry. So if you choose to marry this person than it is forever, never settle for something your ashamed to take home to mom and dad. If your hiding this person or simply ashamed of this person why are you with them? Sometimes it can be nervewrecking and fearful because you want good impressions and that scenario is different, but when your doing this because your ashamed or you know your parents would not approve than its time to be honest with self. The real question is Does God approve? Is this person going to help you get closer to Christ? Is this person willing to pursue Godly wisdom with you? Proverbs 4:7 " The beginning of wisdom is: (B)Acquire wisdom;
And with all your acquiring, get understanding." I mean this a checklist for Christian dating.
Your not with this person to pass time, your with this person because you believe this person is someone who is a candidate for marriage. It does not guarantee that, but that is the right motive to have. My brother being a minister occasionally does marriage counseling, in doing that I often pick his mind about it, one of the things he tells me all the time is " you hope that you marry her, but you don't know. All you can do is walk it out, if she hangs in there, than there you go". Understand this beloved, your not dating a person simply on looks, economical status, height, weight, those are matters that if you focus on too much will lead you on a downward spiral. Those things matter, but what matters more in spirtual saftey. A husband must be in line with God, so women if you marry a man that is dead set on not being in line with God remember that. Men if she don't love Jesus, dont read her bible, dont want to go to church and you sit there and make yourself ok with that, remember that. This is not to say that the marriage won't work but it will be tougher than a marriage already is. What we need to look for is someone who is going to Love God, so that they can learn from Him how to love.
Now sometimes in dating you may have couples that start out going away from God, and then decide to walk together with him and turn away from those old ways and the relationship turns out great. I believe God can do all of those things, if your in a relationship with someone and yall know its some things happening that are not too Godly, then make that change. If its mutal between yall, turn your hearts (individually) back to God. My brother told me once "when you both are walking individually closer to God, it brings you both collectively closer together" The key is God wants glory in everything we do, YES that means dating!!! To qualify that Proverbs 3:5-7 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct thy path." Key part " IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM". If your single, acknowledge him, and he will direct your path. In all cases make God your first priority and just live you life and you will find that the significant other will just come along, you wont have to work to hard to find it. The key part of this blog is eliminating those lies told through TV and media. Dating is not 1-2-3 and its done. For the believer it takes work, time, and more importantly God. Understanding that fact helps you know the difference between the two. Know that God is on our side, he wants the best in us, and for us. Time maybe moving fast, but we don't have to rush. John Legend said it best "Take it slow..."
....Stay tuned for Part 2.
Part 1: Christians and Dating.
As a 25 year old I know my knowledge is not vast on this subject of Christians and dating, but my pastor, and my brother (both two preachers I see as being increasingly wise) and the bible itself have given me so much insight. I will say that I am not the bearer of knowledge on this subject I am merely trying to provide a different viewpoint. This is not to be controversial or offensive its merely meant to provide a different look at the subject. If you see something that I have written as being wrong or you want to question it please feel free to leave a comment but remember this is not a war or a fight so if thats your motive its best you keep it to yourself because there is no need for that. I understand that everyone does not agree on the same thing but agreeing to disagree is equally as acceptable. Thanks.
Jesse Flowers wrote in an article entitled "whom should we date?" this quote " Dating is what leads a young person to the divine institution of marriage. This quote for me is the focus of this whole blog. I know this is a tough thing to wrap our heads around but honestly the point of dating (crazy as it may seem) is to end up finding a spouse. Now, in 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 Paul writes " 1Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is (A)good for a man not to touch a woman.
2But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband." The idea is if you know want to be with someone the idea is to get married in order for you not to fall into immortality, it is better to be married than to live in sin. What Ive noticed in alot of Christian peers is that some of them just don't date like that because they want to avoid the trouble and the potential slips. I had a friend during my freshman year of college who didn't date a single girl until our senior year and the one he dated is now his wife. He was poked fun of for it, but his faith in Christ led him to her, he was with her barely a year before proposing and married about 6 months later. When your motive in dating is right you generally flock towards the right people and don't have to deal with the unnecessary drama. How do you mean? Well lets talk about motives? David said it like this "create in me a clean heart, and renew within me a right spirit." (Psalms 51:10). If inside your heart you have bad intentions then your motive is already not right...Jesus made that clear in Matthew 15:19 where he said "For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies". So if in your heart deep down you know your dating just to have "fun" the question is what kind of fun? Speaking from a young persons perspective, in the present day, dating is a tool that can be used negatively or positively. In a negative way, its most common that the majority(but not all) have stories about someone they dated that was everything that they knew even then that they did not need or probrably even want but they did for what reason? To see what it was like and more importantly to REBEL. Sometimes we just want a story to tell, and to look like we got some life experience. The sad part is usually your the one who gets hurt or left behind because you've allowed yourself to go deeper and deeper in with this person that you don't even know who you are anymore. That can be eliminated easily, by learning to just as my mom would say "get somewhere and sit down". Being young doesent mean I get to ruin my life, I promise when you do that, and you meet the one you do love and cherish you will wish you saved all that time and for them. Its so dangerous spiritually and physically. Now on a lighter note, it can be used positively to navigate (with Christ) to a good candidate for marriage. If your not planning on getting married then what is the point in dating? (know that there is a difference between making friends and dating.) The reality is that dating is not a bad thing, if I follow God's plan and I know this person is lining up with Godly characteristics and loves Jesus I'm safe. The idea is that when I used dating the right way I am eliminating month's maybe even years of strife in my life. IF you know the person is not a candidate than don't even waist your time trying to make it happen. My pastor told me once "it is somethings I can put up with, and something I cant". The idea is saved or unsaved if there is no desire to compromise on both sides for the better than this is not a candidate.
Dating is not a settling tool. Do not settle on someone simply for convenience. From personal experience I have learned that just because a person is there does not mean they will work. Remember we said dating is to marry. So if you choose to marry this person than it is forever, never settle for something your ashamed to take home to mom and dad. If your hiding this person or simply ashamed of this person why are you with them? Sometimes it can be nervewrecking and fearful because you want good impressions and that scenario is different, but when your doing this because your ashamed or you know your parents would not approve than its time to be honest with self. The real question is Does God approve? Is this person going to help you get closer to Christ? Is this person willing to pursue Godly wisdom with you? Proverbs 4:7 " The beginning of wisdom is: (B)Acquire wisdom;
And with all your acquiring, get understanding." I mean this a checklist for Christian dating.
Your not with this person to pass time, your with this person because you believe this person is someone who is a candidate for marriage. It does not guarantee that, but that is the right motive to have. My brother being a minister occasionally does marriage counseling, in doing that I often pick his mind about it, one of the things he tells me all the time is " you hope that you marry her, but you don't know. All you can do is walk it out, if she hangs in there, than there you go". Understand this beloved, your not dating a person simply on looks, economical status, height, weight, those are matters that if you focus on too much will lead you on a downward spiral. Those things matter, but what matters more in spirtual saftey. A husband must be in line with God, so women if you marry a man that is dead set on not being in line with God remember that. Men if she don't love Jesus, dont read her bible, dont want to go to church and you sit there and make yourself ok with that, remember that. This is not to say that the marriage won't work but it will be tougher than a marriage already is. What we need to look for is someone who is going to Love God, so that they can learn from Him how to love.
Now sometimes in dating you may have couples that start out going away from God, and then decide to walk together with him and turn away from those old ways and the relationship turns out great. I believe God can do all of those things, if your in a relationship with someone and yall know its some things happening that are not too Godly, then make that change. If its mutal between yall, turn your hearts (individually) back to God. My brother told me once "when you both are walking individually closer to God, it brings you both collectively closer together" The key is God wants glory in everything we do, YES that means dating!!! To qualify that Proverbs 3:5-7 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct thy path." Key part " IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM". If your single, acknowledge him, and he will direct your path. In all cases make God your first priority and just live you life and you will find that the significant other will just come along, you wont have to work to hard to find it. The key part of this blog is eliminating those lies told through TV and media. Dating is not 1-2-3 and its done. For the believer it takes work, time, and more importantly God. Understanding that fact helps you know the difference between the two. Know that God is on our side, he wants the best in us, and for us. Time maybe moving fast, but we don't have to rush. John Legend said it best "Take it slow..."
....Stay tuned for Part 2.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
What is inside of me?
Isn't easy sometimes to say its everyone else that is causing all of the problems for me? Or that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing but dang I just got bad luck? Man as a young college student I remember my pledging days....we used to recite a poem or a creed that simply said "Excuses are tools of the weak and incompetent, used to build monuments of nothing. People who specialize in them are seldom capable of achieving anything". When you don't want to be honest with yourself beloved you wont. You become the product of these issues you talked into existence. (that's right I said talked into existence.) No one else is causing you to be unhappy you are just deep down unhappy, which makes it harder for you to want to be happy for others. My pastor has started a series in James 4 that deals with the real root of the problem and it is you. James 4:1 simply says " What is the source of quarrels and (A)conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage (B)war in your members?" Insecurity surely is the leading cause of frustration, unhappiness, doubt, fear, anger, wrath, malice, lust, fornication and so many others. Because I am so unhappy with myself and who I am I become(as my brother would say) "an angry person who is happy sometimes, as opposed to a happy person who is angry sometimes". When I don't like who I am I project all my frustration onto the world, I look for approval, or I often feel a need to be wanted and when I am not than I am mad and no one can calm me down. Others tell me of their good news but I am so self-indulgent I cannot be happy for them (by choice). The world is forever in your debt for you hard work, and no one ever pays enough attention to you. Love can conquer you because you fight it with hate, but you swear you are so loving and kind because you understand the concepts but not the action. Who are you fighting against my friend? No one but yourself? That's why your sleep is messed up, that's why you think how you think, that's why you behave like you behave. You haven't figured yet, that there is nothing wrong with you, as a matter of fact your great the way you are. What happened was that one time in your life someone told you or showed you that you would be nothing and you believed them. It stuck with you all through out your life and is the reason why are the way you are now. The plot is bigger than right here and now, rather if that ol' enemy of ours can keep you in that mindset you will never be loosed and will stay the same. You will run off you family, your friends, your spouse/significant other, and be alone by yourself throwing that pity party for yourself. But being a believer means we have one thing the world does not have...HOPE. Change the way you think: Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brethren, (A)whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Being from the south and from Houston you know the ghetto boys wrote that famous hit " My Minds Playing Tricks on Me". When you force that mind of yours to focus on good the body follows suit. Keep on praying: James 5:16 "The effectual fervent prayers of a righteous man availeth much" As long as you keep turning your heart over to God in prayer with much expectancy he will do it. Its a shame to live on earth in misery when you have a God of joy and peace. Those who really love you just want you to be happy and smile and enjoy your life. To be unhappy, and full of anger is torture daily because your constantly hurting others and yourself. You have to make the choice to want to stop, to rid yourself of the envy, the jealousy, the anger, and replace with God's love. It will not happen over night but it will happen. The believer's main job is to lead others to Christ, the effectiveness of your witness can be tainted if your heart is tainted. God wants you to be full of joy, but seeing as though he is not a rapist(in that he will not force himself upon you) he leaves the choice up to you. Whatever you hiding behind the remedy is in 2 Corinthians 6:17 "Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you." You know your tired of it yourself, you just want to be free, the road to freedom from this bondage is simply saying yes to Christ and no to flesh. When you truly give that heart to God, his love becomes your love, and that bitterness and anger becomes love and good will for others. Then you will be able to laugh and kid around without carrying that chip on your soldier. Living is great but living for Christ is better. It behooves me to tell you to be aware of whats inside of you.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Its not you...It's ME.
Preface:
I wrote this because it has been on my heart for 2 weeks now. It has troubled my sleep, and even knocked me off of focus at work. Speaking this is hard because it can be taken the wrong way. MY goal is to talk about understanding something fundamental Ive been learning at Church. A friend Brian Malone told me "you have to make Christ your personal savior, in that it becomes a personal thing when your walk is affected, your offended personally now" Hell is very real..and if my salvation aint in tact I have no time to worry about yours. If I plan to witness while allowing my walk to be tainted because I am to weak to stand for Christ than my witness is tainted. Remember its not about them its always about HIM(Christ). So do not be offended but see that this is more than me, or you. ITs all God...
To do something that is wrong and not know it well thats not your fault kind of like a child that for the first time does something and their parents says "NO!" Now the child is aware and can no longer use the excuse I didnt know. Paul writes in Romans 1:19 "because (AL)that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them." I cannot say I dont no lying is wrong because I know the 10 commandments and it clearly says "Thou Shalt not lie" To tell that lie simply means I did it anyway knowing it was wrong. Alot of times we do stuff knowing that it was wrong, feeling it was wrong, even almost ashamed while doing it and kept doing. I can be mad at no one else but myself for not saying or doing anything about. I am responsible for me and only me...if I have a cousin who smokes weed and then he pressures me or persuades me to smoke with him I cant get mad at him because I said yes. If weed is my problem then it is my responsibility to not put myself around folks who smoke weed plain and simple. If I am in a situation thats hard for me to get out of then I can simply ask that they not smoke around me or leave(probrably the best choice). God has given you the power to demand control of your surroundings. If porn is your problem then learning to not use the computer so much or view that material should become a discipline(train yourself). Its up to you...if you struggle with learning to say no to people than you have to learn that everytime you dont say no and allow others to get what they want it hinders you not them. They are going to be comfortable because they believe you are comfortable so naturally they will not see a problem until you raise the issue. If a person is constantly asking you for money and your tired of being their personal bank than you have to say no but remember though Love is gentle, so you dont have to be mean about it. Saying no to even a family member, best friend, spouse/significant other can truly be hard too because you Love those people. They mean the most to you and you do not want to disappoint them. However, Love works two ways...if your family that best friend, or that spouse/significant other loves you too they are never going to ask you to do things that compromise who you are. That issue is a very big issue, sometimes we will cause others to stumble because of what we want. If someone eats too much am I going to sit around them and eat excessively to tempt them to want to join in? NO!!! The thing I would do is eat healthy with and without them to encourage them to press on toward that new goal. I cant stress LOVE enough, LOVE is seeing the needs in others and meeting it. I found that alot of us pretend to be more mature than we really are, we love to play the game like we are but we really are not. A life full of experiences wont mature you if you have not taken the RIGHT lesson from them. It simply means you have a life full of things to talk about. I believe the key to our experiences both good and bad is learning. If I worked on a job where I did construction work, Im sure I learned how to be safe, hard work, being prompt, and timely. Those lessons will go with me later on in life, on the bad side if I was a theif I learned what not to do, I learned why its stupid and what it will solve that is nothing. I also learned the pain it caused someone else when I would steal from them. So now I have a level of compassion for people I never knewI could have I know make sure to watch out that Im not hurting others in all aspects of life(shame I had to learn it by stealing).The thing is taking the lesson from that, even if though I stopped stealing what have I learned? The issue of compassion is the big thing, I now know why I need to stay away from it in case I become tempted again. The lessons learned make you remember why you dont do it. (i.e. you remember a good spanking from your parents so you know not to do whatever you did to avoid that beating again). Remember, I am hurting someone else if what I want causes them to stumble even if they appear to want the same things. Remember the passive person will never speak for fear of rejection, confrontation, or just not caring. As the believer its our job to not give them a way to potentially fall, Paul writes in Romans 14:21 " (AL)It is good not to eat meat or to drink wine, or to do anything by which your brother stumbles" Now understand Paul is dealing with this metaphor of the man who chooses to eat meat and the man who chooses not to eat meat. Its a metaphor for the strong in their walk with Christ and the weak and their walk with Christ. IF you being the stronger one can help the weaker one out you cant start by respecting his wishes. i.e. You eat meat you cannot eat meat around him so that he is not tempted. To make it practical, my cousin is now trying to kick the weed habit, then I am not going to do anything to tempt him to want to smoke. After that point its his job to say no to weed. If after I have done my part he still chooses to go do it well he has made his choice. I promise you though when a person gets tired of not saying no to something long enough they will. Its important for me and for you to check your motives though, saying no is not meant to chastise the person its meant to stop them from hindering you and themselves. So if you want to stop drinking then STOP HANGING OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO DO!! Or let them know your situation, if they choose to continue to do it then you found out they are not as friendly as you thought. People say well I can stop doing what I do for you, and the response to that is.."your absolutely right I am just not going to be around that. "If I say I love you and care about weather you are family, friend, or spouse/significant other than I cannot bear the thought of doing something that will hinder you. My goal is to lift you up and bless you. Likewise if you as my family, friend, or spouse/significant other decided to do that any way it is my responsibilty to speak up and say something in my care for you. The prisons are plagued with people who didnt want to speak up. Hospital beds are filled with people who didnt want to speak, Graveyards are filled with people who didnt want to speak up. HELL!! is filled with people who didnt want to speak up. This is my personal conviction right here. I know that Im not truly caring about those who care about me when I dont speak up. Look if I love you truly I will tell you. Christ love the disciples sooo much that he would correct them in their errors, he would not stand there and let them go down in flames. I cant, i wont. If no one else cares about you my friend you should care about you. You cant be afraid these days of losing a friend, signficiant other, or these days even family. If it is a choice between Christ and them the choice is obvious. CHRIST! I cant let my people die and I said nothing and you shouldnt either. WE must be clear that our role is not to kill them with the gospel but its to show God's love in our actions, our words, and our prayers. Because in the end its not really them...its me O' Lord standing in the need of prayer.
I wrote this because it has been on my heart for 2 weeks now. It has troubled my sleep, and even knocked me off of focus at work. Speaking this is hard because it can be taken the wrong way. MY goal is to talk about understanding something fundamental Ive been learning at Church. A friend Brian Malone told me "you have to make Christ your personal savior, in that it becomes a personal thing when your walk is affected, your offended personally now" Hell is very real..and if my salvation aint in tact I have no time to worry about yours. If I plan to witness while allowing my walk to be tainted because I am to weak to stand for Christ than my witness is tainted. Remember its not about them its always about HIM(Christ). So do not be offended but see that this is more than me, or you. ITs all God...
To do something that is wrong and not know it well thats not your fault kind of like a child that for the first time does something and their parents says "NO!" Now the child is aware and can no longer use the excuse I didnt know. Paul writes in Romans 1:19 "because (AL)that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them." I cannot say I dont no lying is wrong because I know the 10 commandments and it clearly says "Thou Shalt not lie" To tell that lie simply means I did it anyway knowing it was wrong. Alot of times we do stuff knowing that it was wrong, feeling it was wrong, even almost ashamed while doing it and kept doing. I can be mad at no one else but myself for not saying or doing anything about. I am responsible for me and only me...if I have a cousin who smokes weed and then he pressures me or persuades me to smoke with him I cant get mad at him because I said yes. If weed is my problem then it is my responsibility to not put myself around folks who smoke weed plain and simple. If I am in a situation thats hard for me to get out of then I can simply ask that they not smoke around me or leave(probrably the best choice). God has given you the power to demand control of your surroundings. If porn is your problem then learning to not use the computer so much or view that material should become a discipline(train yourself). Its up to you...if you struggle with learning to say no to people than you have to learn that everytime you dont say no and allow others to get what they want it hinders you not them. They are going to be comfortable because they believe you are comfortable so naturally they will not see a problem until you raise the issue. If a person is constantly asking you for money and your tired of being their personal bank than you have to say no but remember though Love is gentle, so you dont have to be mean about it. Saying no to even a family member, best friend, spouse/significant other can truly be hard too because you Love those people. They mean the most to you and you do not want to disappoint them. However, Love works two ways...if your family that best friend, or that spouse/significant other loves you too they are never going to ask you to do things that compromise who you are. That issue is a very big issue, sometimes we will cause others to stumble because of what we want. If someone eats too much am I going to sit around them and eat excessively to tempt them to want to join in? NO!!! The thing I would do is eat healthy with and without them to encourage them to press on toward that new goal. I cant stress LOVE enough, LOVE is seeing the needs in others and meeting it. I found that alot of us pretend to be more mature than we really are, we love to play the game like we are but we really are not. A life full of experiences wont mature you if you have not taken the RIGHT lesson from them. It simply means you have a life full of things to talk about. I believe the key to our experiences both good and bad is learning. If I worked on a job where I did construction work, Im sure I learned how to be safe, hard work, being prompt, and timely. Those lessons will go with me later on in life, on the bad side if I was a theif I learned what not to do, I learned why its stupid and what it will solve that is nothing. I also learned the pain it caused someone else when I would steal from them. So now I have a level of compassion for people I never knewI could have I know make sure to watch out that Im not hurting others in all aspects of life(shame I had to learn it by stealing).The thing is taking the lesson from that, even if though I stopped stealing what have I learned? The issue of compassion is the big thing, I now know why I need to stay away from it in case I become tempted again. The lessons learned make you remember why you dont do it. (i.e. you remember a good spanking from your parents so you know not to do whatever you did to avoid that beating again). Remember, I am hurting someone else if what I want causes them to stumble even if they appear to want the same things. Remember the passive person will never speak for fear of rejection, confrontation, or just not caring. As the believer its our job to not give them a way to potentially fall, Paul writes in Romans 14:21 " (AL)It is good not to eat meat or to drink wine, or to do anything by which your brother stumbles" Now understand Paul is dealing with this metaphor of the man who chooses to eat meat and the man who chooses not to eat meat. Its a metaphor for the strong in their walk with Christ and the weak and their walk with Christ. IF you being the stronger one can help the weaker one out you cant start by respecting his wishes. i.e. You eat meat you cannot eat meat around him so that he is not tempted. To make it practical, my cousin is now trying to kick the weed habit, then I am not going to do anything to tempt him to want to smoke. After that point its his job to say no to weed. If after I have done my part he still chooses to go do it well he has made his choice. I promise you though when a person gets tired of not saying no to something long enough they will. Its important for me and for you to check your motives though, saying no is not meant to chastise the person its meant to stop them from hindering you and themselves. So if you want to stop drinking then STOP HANGING OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO DO!! Or let them know your situation, if they choose to continue to do it then you found out they are not as friendly as you thought. People say well I can stop doing what I do for you, and the response to that is.."your absolutely right I am just not going to be around that. "If I say I love you and care about weather you are family, friend, or spouse/significant other than I cannot bear the thought of doing something that will hinder you. My goal is to lift you up and bless you. Likewise if you as my family, friend, or spouse/significant other decided to do that any way it is my responsibilty to speak up and say something in my care for you. The prisons are plagued with people who didnt want to speak up. Hospital beds are filled with people who didnt want to speak, Graveyards are filled with people who didnt want to speak up. HELL!! is filled with people who didnt want to speak up. This is my personal conviction right here. I know that Im not truly caring about those who care about me when I dont speak up. Look if I love you truly I will tell you. Christ love the disciples sooo much that he would correct them in their errors, he would not stand there and let them go down in flames. I cant, i wont. If no one else cares about you my friend you should care about you. You cant be afraid these days of losing a friend, signficiant other, or these days even family. If it is a choice between Christ and them the choice is obvious. CHRIST! I cant let my people die and I said nothing and you shouldnt either. WE must be clear that our role is not to kill them with the gospel but its to show God's love in our actions, our words, and our prayers. Because in the end its not really them...its me O' Lord standing in the need of prayer.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Your Reality vs. Reality.
If in my mind I think its ok (while at work) to walk up to another co-workers desk and take something like a pen or pencil and think its not stealing I mean thats ok, but thats my reality because Im thinking that its just a pen. But really in reality that person doesent like that I took something off of their desk without asking first, and weather you like it or not I STOLE IT!! What we do sometimes is we make up this imaginary world we live in so that we stay comfortable and never have to move out of it and honestly excluding the imaginary parts it is nothing wrong with creating a comfort zone or even viewing things a ceartain way in order to be comfortable. Where the problem lies is when you try to assume that everyone must live by that code. Part of existing in a world that God created so different is understanding that my way is not your way, and your way is not my way. We have different ways of doing things but we NEED (keyword: need) to learn how to find common ground in order to achieve peace and harmony. No one can tell you to stop being the way you are because God made you that way Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." The way you are is definitely on purpose, but the key in that is that you get to be who you are and I get to be who I am. Alot of times the idea is that I can act like I want to act with whoever and people who cant handle it can move on. And I agree there should never be a compromise in who you are, but frankly if your a person with no respect or for lack of a better word a jerk than your mistaken. I believe we all sometimes get this notion that we can use God as an excuse to be that way. In my personal experience I know I can be very intolerant and jump to conclusions and assume things and blow up over nothing, I could easily use the excuse well thats just how I am, but honestly thats fine but you can stay that way be friendless. As Christians it happens all that time that people claim to be REAL and tell it like it is. But I heard it like this "sometimes being REAL can be REAL stupid". Jesus told it like it was in John 14:6 "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." I mean it dont get no real than that right? Did he need to throw a pun in there, or even be cunning about it NO!! There is no reason for all that because that is superfluous. The reality is Jesus was telling Thomas a simple truth. That statement he made alone can knock you off your feet. The truth is the truth by itself. Its not like food, it does not need all this seasoning and extra spice to make it more truthful, but we use God sometimes as an excuse to be blatently rude about something we personally have a problem with. This is why Christians fight so much, its our refusal to yield to God and not our pride. My pastor broke it down like this he said "When we allow our desires to take control there are consequences: pain, death, and SELF-DECEPTION." The most beasty thing I have heard right there. You want to be this mean person, or this selfish person, or this intolerant person, or this concieted person, or whatever sooooo bad that you decieve self and then cover it up with "Well I just keep it real" I keep it real too but I keep it real from a reality perspective. If the world revolved around me than it would be called Terence's world, and it would stop when I was sleep, but the REALITY is that it doesent. Our job is to not make everyone happy honestly its to be loving. You will find that loving someone will not always make them happy because in loving them you choose to not act like they act sometimes to the point where you distance yourself, or be quiet. In reality if you want someone to understand your point of view than you must be willing to understand theirs. Everybody is from different upbringings, different childhoods, different walks of life, but if your going to intergrate or be apart of society you cannot use that as a crutch. (speaking more to me) If hate and cruelty is your only way of living than you have a problem. Bad habits do die hard but they die. Dont get me wrong sterness is needed to keep discipline, as Christians we sometimes lack that which is why we so easily forget God and his statutes. So having yourself be apart of a Church where the pastor is stern but fair like I am (shameless plug for Ebenezer) is good in learning how to be a disciplined Christian who can reason well and not be ashmed of the gospel. (Romans 1:16). We run from discipline, and flee to our learned ways and refuse to change for fear of not being true to self. But if you pay attention closely changing for the better is being true to yourself. Remember if we are saved like we say we are and we Love Christ than we show his love by obeying his commandments right? John 14:15 says " If ye Love me, keep my commandments". Jesus goes on to say in Mark 12:31 "And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these" If he says there is no commandment greater than this than LOVE is conquering all things. If your going to choose (yes its a choice its not something you have control over, again speaking to Hobdy) to not change than so be it but if your going to act in LOVE remember this 1 Corinthians 13:5 (speaking about love) " does not act unbecomingly;"(NASB) the King James Version says it like this "Doth not behave itself unseemly" and the New International Version says this " It is not rude". Now that was for all you bible scholars. I mean we all make mistakes because were human but its not a license to keep doing it. The point is to get God's reality see how he thinks about a situation then evaluate based on that. Your mindset may not be the same as someone elses and because you refuse to stop and get out of your own way you lose valuable time and information. Sometimes being too sensitive, being too hard, lacking the ablility (by choice) to understand. All of these things we have to be conscious of, Jesus never compromised his character for anyone but he never forced himself on anyone. We all have the ability to be dominant but Minister KD at Ebenezer told us you gotta have A BE-Attitude...one of the beattitudes is Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. The New American Standard Bible would say blessed are the gentle. The goal here is Im moving around myself and learning that someonelse else's needs matter. The reality of a kid in the projects is different from the reality of a kid in the suburbs. But neither of that is the other one's fault, it simply means if they cross paths they have to gain an understanding of each . If they choose not to understand the other then they move on. At some point though, Ive got to learn to listen to someone else's view point to gain a real perspective on what is really going on....
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